I won't compare you to him because it's not fair. Anyway, it's pointless, because you're so different I wouldn't know where to begin.

I just wish you'd see..What? See what exactly? That you're special? That your life is worth the effort it takes to live it? You'll be having none of it. You never do.

I think you think I'm lying when I say all that stuff. I'm not. I wouldn't care if it was anyone else. Okay, slight lie, but I wouldn't stay up to help them and worry about them and cry over them and grin from ear to ear when they're okay.

I hope you're okay.

Wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. Just, poof. Out like a light. One minute I'd be here, full of optimism and hopelessness and useless pieces of general knowledge, laughter and tears, and the next minute I'd be dead.

I'd be lying somewhere in some coffin or morgue, with my eyes closed, and my chest still, and I'd never talk to you, or laugh with you, or tell you to hold on, or hug you, or wait with you until you want to go, or cry for you, or worry about you ever again.

I would never write another poem, or story, or entry, I would never sing another song, I would never dream another dream, or talk about the future, because I wouldn't have one.

How would that make you feel?

If you died, I would not stop grieving. I would carry on, and on, and on. Because death is final.

One of the things that hurt so much when Mat blocked me is that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. I don't do short goodbyes. I need long ones, time, to say everything that needs to be said and to tie up all the loose ends and to not be left feeling as though someone's just ripped something out of me, like a lung, or a liver, or some other vital organ.

Life doesn't work like that, though.

If I died tomorrow, would you be happy that you'd said everything to me that you wanted to say? If I were to remember you in one way forever, what would it be?

Please write back soon.

Love you more.

So long and goodnight.