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Nothing else matters. Just. Nothing. Else. Matters. Until. You. Are. Alright. Again. posted on: Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 at 10:04 pm |
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I feel hollow. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel, anything. I don't want to explain. I'm staying here 'til I can think of a rational explanation as to why my eyes are red, and then I'm going to curl up in my room. And there must be some song, some lyric, somewhere, but I can't think. My mind's gone blank. And I know that this is meant to be about you and not me, but I don't really actually know what I'm saying at all, I just thought that typing all this out will make it all make some form of sense that I can begin to comprehend and understand. I probably won't even publish it. I can't doubt now that I love you, I never really did, I just hid it. But until I can talk to you and know that you're alright then nothing will be normal again. I think that the sound of the normal repetition of keys on the keyboard being pushed down and springing back up, that punching sound is okay, I don't want to stop writing, I don't really even care that I'm touchtyping, which I have wanted to do for ages, I'm even correcting myself, how good, maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know, I think I might be but I'm not sure, you're my best friend damnit, and the one night I'm not there for you and this happens, I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, I imagine that Charli is feeling a million trillion times worse than me, I don't know, I don't know her and never have and never will, I just, don't know, I have exams tomorrow, you know, for a week, no, two weeks, and they have French and English and German and History, and there's Art there as well but thats just a 3 hour long lesson, and then there's Maths, and IT, and Physics and Biology and all sorts, Chemisty, I missed that out and I think I will publish this now, I don't know though, I threw my tissue at the bin but I'll go pick it up now, I think I missed the bin. I did, I missed it by one centimetre, and about me loving you, yes, 'cause when you said about him having broken his arm, I felt like this, only now I feel worse, so. I felt like this when you said he'd broken his arm even though he'd probably blocked me by then, I don't know, it's all so mixed up in my head now that I can't tell what is what anymore. I will just let my subconscious do all the work, 'cause when I try to think I just come up with an image of you in hospital, and I don't want to think about that, 'cause you're okay, Loz said you're alright now so you must be, he wouldn't lie, not about something like that, would he? He said, he said, I don't know, if I was a computer I would have crashed long ago and I think I am crashing now, I always get tired after I cry and I'm getting tired now, and I have written such a lot, so I think I might just press enter and then it will be up on the internet and I don't care who reads it, this is my thoughts, I mean, these are my thoughts and I don't care what other people think, someone once said we have a lot of guts to put our thoughts on the Internet for anyone to read, but it isn't really, I don't really, really, care. I want to know when you get home, but if you have bothered to read down this far then you must be bored. Is it cold there? Where you are? It was cold when Toby went to hospital. Not the temperature, just the whole place. I wonder where you are? I wonder if you have your phone with you? And even if you did, it would be off because you aren't allowed phones on in hospitals, it interferes with the machines, so if you were waiting for a text, not that you would be, but if you were then I'm sorry, but you're probably sleeping, and filling your beautiful lungs with air, and breathing in, and out, and in, and out. And I'm so tired now that I think I might go and sleep, now, just go upstairs and curl up in a ball and when we both wake up everything will be alright? |
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